The Fundamental Need for a Foundation of Integrity and Self-Love: Thoughts for New Year.

I hope you are enjoying the end of the year events and celebrations.  Most of the “noise” leading up to this time is about setting goals and making resolutions, however, I believe there is a fundamental issue that needs to be addressed if we are to move forward successfully.  This topic came up in response to a question raised by a subscriber.  It is an especially important topic as we move into the new year and reflect on what we want for the year ahead, for, without self love and integrity as a foundation, whatever you build in the future will crumble.  This article is contributed by my colleague, Kane Shieh of  Inward Gaze Institute, and it is written within the context of what he refers to as “Practical Law of Attraction”. In it, Kane reveals ways in which the Law of Attraction fails, repeatedly, when we are unconscious of and stuck in our limiting beliefs.   I would add that intellectual reasoning also fails for the same reason.

The Magic of Integrity and Self-Love  
Kane writes:  I recently had a young lady email me seeking advice. She has struggled with teasing, bullying, and harsh judgment from others her entire life. This has hurt her self image, leading to limiting beliefs and feeling like she’s “not good enough.” Yet she still has the courage to seek to improve and become a better version of herself.  All of us suffer from harsh judgment at various points in our lives. So perhaps my reply to her can help others.

Here is her story:  I am Taiwanese/Chinese-American and was born smack in middle of redneck Tennessee. My first day of school ever, the other kids locked me in the bathroom, pinching me and calling me “E.T.” The movie was a big deal back then and they had never seen anyone who looked like me. When I got home, I begged my mom not to make me go to school ever again.”

What I K.S.learned from the experience, and many more like it, is this: 

1) We have an external world and an internal world. 
There is the world beyond the edges of our skin and the world contained within our skin. In both worlds we suffer judgments. In the external world, it’s the judgment of others. In the internal world, it’s our own judgment of others and, more importantly, of ourselves.

2) We have some control over the external world, but it is limited. 
Following natural laws and human behavior, we can influence the actions, thoughts, and desires of others, but we cannot fully control them.

3) We have complete control over our internal world. 
While things like authority, education, media, and parenting can influence us, we have complete power to accept or reject these influences. We have complete control over whether we adopt the attitudes of others or to form our own.

4) What happens in the external world does not have to affect the internal world.
Because we have complete control over our internal world, what happens to us in the external world doesn’t have to change the way we think or feel.

5) But the internal world always bubbles out into the external world. 
How we feel about ourselves, however, affects how we interact with the external world and heavily influences not only how other people treat us, but our interpretations of how people treat us. 

For example, one of my cousins stayed with his uncle and uncle’s wife for a few months. The uncle went away on a business trip and asked his wife to prepare some eggs and milk for breakfast every day to help him grow. Unfortunately, his wife chose not to and left my cousin to find breakfast for himself every morning. When my uncle got back from the trip, he asked my cousin “So, have you been eating your eggs and milk?” Overhearing this, his wife threw a fit, yelling and screaming and saying that my uncle was accusing her of not taking care of my cousin.

You see, there was no actual offense in the external world. My uncle was simply expressing concern for my cousin and asking about his nutrition. But because of how my aunt felt about herself, there was a perceived offense in her internal world. And that bubbled out. That defined how she interpreted the external world, how she interacted with it, and ultimately reflected back in the way the external world treated her.

Another way to illustrate these 5 points is my Theory of Nakedness.

Humans are rarely as vulnerable as they are when they are naked. We fear the judgment of how we will be perceived and have all sorts of insecurities about ourselves. But what if you had this attitude when you are naked: “If you choose to look, you deserve what you get, be it pleasure or pain.” 

You see, we cannot control others’ experiences. But we can control our own experiences.

If someone looks at me and is disgusted, that is their own problem; they are entirely responsible for their experience. If they’re disgusted, that’s their own fault for looking. If someone looks at me and is pleased or excited, that is also their own fault. It really has little or nothing to do with me.

Same if I look. If I’m in the men’s locker at the gym and I get disgusted by the naked men in there, that is my own fault. I can’t control whether or not the men in there walk around naked. But I can control if I walk in there. And I can control whether I look. So my experience is under my own control and whether I get disgusted or pleased, that is my own fault. It has little or nothing to do with them.

Now, when someone calls me names or criticizes my looks or throws bad energy my way, I make a conscious choice. 1) Their displeasure is their own fault and their own experience; it is not mine. 2) I am grateful for their attention and their energy whether positive or negative. Most people these days are completely self-absorbed and hardly take notice of anyone or anything. That I was important enough or noticeable enough for them to pay attention is flattering. 3) Energy is energy. In the end there is no “positive” or “negative” energy. It’s all just energy. And if someone is expending their energy for or because of me, I take it as a compliment.

I can adopt this attitude because I personally think I am a great guy. In my internal world, I think highly of myself and love myself. And nothing in the external world can change that love for myself. So in the end, whether one particular person likes or dislikes me becomes mostly irrelevant. That is why integrity and self-love are so important.

The world will always accept your judgments of yourself. So if you love yourself and always live in integrity with yourself, the judgments will drop away. The few that remain will lose their power and become meaningless to you.

Take some alone time. Get to know yourself. Develop a relationship with yourself. Show love for yourself. Fall in love with yourself.    
Do that, and you’ll find all of the issues you’ve had will shrink and go away.      Kane Shieh.
Addit:  Replace negative Self-talk by affirming:  I am amazing, strong,  beautiful, loved, and I attract success!    Petah


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